11 Years later: The pain doesn't just go away

So today marks 11 years since the home-going service for my soldier who took his own life. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Stationed at Fort Eustis in Virginia, we were a bunch of Ammo dogs, when it came to any and everything ammunition we were the ones to call, there were no if and or butts.

Shortly after coming back from Afghanistan, I was given a new soldier. Well. Or so much of a new solider but he was now under my guidance so he was new to me. As I would do any soldier we had wrap sessions, where I would get to know them, see what they wanted out of the Army, their goals in life etc and they would get to know me. In third wrap session we established rules, expectations, boundaries and roles. I always let my soldiers know that I am there for them

, they could talk to me about anything and it stays between us, I will give them the upmost respect as long as they gave it and I wouldn’t have them do anything I wouldn’t do. I would get down in the trenches with them and they all knew that.

There was one day this new soldier of mine came to me” Sarge, we need to talk.” Me being me “ cmon let’s go walk”. As we are walking and talking he goes into his family dynamics and that he feels alone, weird, and unloved. I’m explaining to him that sometimes we all feel alone. Hell I feel alone even with people around me. I just take that time to work on me and get my mind right.But he always has me to talk to and if ever needed I’m just a phone call or text away. As for him feeling weird, that’s normal for us to feel a little different than the others around us. That’s just because we are unique individuals and others don’t have what it takes to be us. Lol. He looked at me and said “ Sarge you are silly”. Anyway he proceeds to tell me that he thinks that he is being bullied because other soldiers were telling him that he was weird, his own family didn’t love him and that he should kill himself. I told him none of that was true and that he is loved, appreciated and definitely not weird. He has people here who loves him and would be devastated if he were no longer around. As our conversation ended my soldier “ seemed” ok and in a better headspace.

Now we are getting prepared to go back out of country and he was sent out before me.

When he made it to said country, he informed me of his arrival and that was it.. As I’m headed over to meet him I turned my phone on as I’m in a layover in Germany. When I. Heck my voicemails I have a message that everyone dreads.. My soldier was found hanging in his room along with a note explaining how he felt, why he did what he did and that he was sorry that he let his unit down but he couldn’t take it anymore.

Still to this day 11 years later, it still hurts. There isn't a day that goes by that he isn’t thought about or even talked about. I pride myself off of talking to any and everyone because you never know what someone is going through and is thinking. I felt if I would have went with him I could’ve prevented it. Maybe if I spoke to him longer that day I could’ve prevented it.. if I would have checked in on him more or maybe if i approached the other soldiers who were bullying him all this would have been avoided. Suicide is no joke, and definitely nothing to take lightly. There are a million different scenarios that play in my head on the regular as to how I could’ve prevented it. Sometimes I feel like I failed him and other times I feel like I did all I could. Either way it doesn’t make it hurt any less. REST EASY BIG SARGE, LOVE YOU. Always remember you are NEVER forgotten. #Suicidesucks #resteasy #foreverinmyheart#noxqcz #89B #ammodogs#OrdnanceCorpsrule